Words And Resources From A Grieving Widow
Written by Kacey Connor
God created each of us totally unique. Grief is unique in the same way. Each of us have different life experiences contributing to how grief can be felt and processed. This can make many people feel isolated and alone while working through the thoughts and feelings that accompany our grief. My husband Patrick Connor died September 5th, 2021. I shared our story and my journey through grief this past Sunday. If you missed it click here to watch.
Pat was 34 when he was diagnosed with a rare aggressive form of cancer called Cholangiocarcinoma. Unfortunately, his cancer was inoperable. He spent 8 months going through aggressive chemotherapy which seemed to be working. After having a necessary procedure, he ended up with an infection in his blood stream that began the downward spiral of his health. When he died he left behind me, our three children (6, 4, and nearly 2 at the time), and numerous friends and family.
The time of diagnosis to death was just a few days shy of one year. In some moments the suffering felt like time was moving at sloth speed, but when the day he died came it felt like we had just started this journey. It seems I should have had time to prepare myself for what might be coming over the course of a year, yet as I sat in the silence of my bedroom thinking about my life without him, I was paralyzed.
In the last two months of Pat’s life, we spent more time in a hospital room than our own home. To calm and comfort him I began reading out loud to him. So, once he was gone, I turned to books. I searched for books that could help me navigate and process my grief. My young kids had so many questions about where daddy was now and what he might be doing, so I sought out biblical based books about heaven. I wanted to be able to accurately answer their questions and hoped I would gain answers to my own in the process.
I spent the first year after Pat died combing through other people’s grief stories. Yes, grief is unique, but I found through my tall stack of new reads that each story gave me something I could use along my own grief journey. More than that I found comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone in my thoughts and feelings. Below I have listed some of the books that impacted me the most.
Books I found helpful:
• Clarissa Moll - Beyond the Darkness
• Lysa Terkeurst - It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way
• Jerry Sittser - A Grace Disguised
• Mattie Jackson Selecman - Lemons on Friday
• Amanda Held Opelt - A Hole in the World & Holy Unhappiness
• Megan Divine - It’s OK That You’re NOT OK
• Randy Alcorn - In Light of Eternity & Heaven & Heaven (for kids)
• Kate Bowler - Everything Happens for a Reason: And other Lies I’ve Loved & No Cure for Being Human
• Sarah J. Hauser - All Who Are Weary
As time moved forward, I sought out additional resources to help my family process our devastating loss. I found Christian counselors to walk through our journey alongside us. We found Cornerstone of Hope, an organization born out of a family’s own loss to help those who are grieving not walk this path alone. This organization offers support groups, counseling, spiritual care, memorial events, grief camps, and much more. Click here to dive deeper into this grieving resource.
A friend had a “box of comfort and care” sent to me from an organization
called Perspective Ministries. Their mission is to help meet the practical,
emotional, and spiritual needs of the widow and fatherless through biblical guidance and tangible touches of care. They have blog posts, events, and a podcast created by the founder of this organization. For more information click here.
Recently I have connected with Never Alone Widows. Based out of Atlanta Georgia this organization is a faith-based ministry that seeks to provide comfort, healing, and community for widows in various ways. A local Columbus chapter was just started in January of this year and meets once a month. God tells us in Romans 12:15 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” These gatherings are a way to meet other widows who have walked through the devastating loss of a spouse and create a supportive community that fosters hope and healing. Click here for more about Never Alone Widows.
Grief is a journey. Losing someone you love isn’t something you get over.
Instead, for the rest of our lives here on earth, I believe that our losses are carried with us. Tucked inside our hearts shaping who we become. For some this can look like creating safe places to grieve like those organizations I listed above. For others it can spark a story to be written and read by others.
Helping them to feel less alone, while learning various ways of processing
their own grief. Even more, it can be used by God in small ways that can feel insignificant. Ways that can have a lasting impact on others without ever even knowing. While God in fact does use painful things in our lives for His glory, that doesn’t discount the pain itself. When someone allows the space, grief can hurt while simultaneously bringing us and others closer to our Creator, Father, and Friend. If you would like to reach out email me at kaceyny@gmail.com