The Marriage Killer

Written by: Doug Bierl

After 42 years of marriage, observing friends and family members, and mentoring, coaching, and leading groups with men and couples, I am convinced that self is the killer of all marriages. I believe the underlying root of all issues is when one or both spouses are self-focused, self-centered, self-protective, or when the need to fulfill something for themselves is put above everything else.

Let me illustrate this through some examples:

• Poor communication often results when one or both are determined to prove their point or defend themselves, so they stop listening to the other. The need to get their way is put above understanding the other.

• Conflicts result in withdrawal, shouting, or outright anger due to control, pride, and self-protection.

• Financial struggles may occur because one or both spouses have to have something they can’t do without, so they spend money without consulting (or wanting to listen to) the other for their self-indulgence, resulting in debt leading to financial tension.

• Pornography is viewed because one or both spouses feel a need for self-gratification.

• Adultery occurs because one or both spouses feel that their needs aren’t being met, so they seek to fulfill their desires outside of the marriage.

Hopefully, you get the point. If you take an honest inventory of issues you have (or have had) in your marriage, you will likely see that the root is self-oriented in one way or another.

The good news is that once you become aware that this is the issue, you have a choice about whether to make a change. Here are a few steps to consider:

1. Make an honest self-evaluation to identify where self is at play. If you don’t know whether it is, pray about it and ask God. Wait and listen for a response. If you feel really bold, ask your spouse where they see you putting yourself over your relationship, but be committed to not becoming defensive. Just receive it as feedback.

2. Choose to shift the focus away from yourself towards your spouse. Take intentional steps to always consider your spouse’s perspective and include him/her in key decisions.

3. Don’t go it alone. Invite Jesus into your life and marriage to help you to focus less on yourself. Seek Godly counsel from others of the same gender. Journey with a mentor, coach, or counselor.

If self-orientation is killing your marriage, there is hope. I am proof. With the help of Jesus and others in my life, I have been able to remove most of my self-focused destructive attitudes, thoughts and behaviors, and now have a healthy marriage. You can too!