Confronting Conflict in Marriage

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. The health of a marriage is not determined by whether there is conflict, but rather by how a couple handles conflict. In most cases, the conflict is not about what a couple is fighting over. There is usually something else. So, the first step in confronting conflict in marriage is to seek and address the root cause.

Although there are many potential roots of conflict, I will address three briefly here. First, the conflict could be the result of wounding. The situation or circumstance has brought up a past memory and one or both parties are responding based on something that happened to them in the past. They’ve been triggered, and until they recognize that a wound from the past is underneath the conflict, they will likely continue to have the same conflict over and over.

Second, the real source of conflict could be the result of vows and agreements from past experiences. This relates to wounding as well in that when we have been hurt deeply, we often make an agreement with a lie, for example, “I can’t do anything right.” We can take it a step further and make a vow, such as, “If I can’t do anything right anyway, I just won’t try.” When circumstances touch on the wound associated with a lie or vow, we react in a way that reinforces the lie or that helps us keep to the vow. In either case, the root of the conflict is the vow or agreement, not what the argument is about.

Third, the conflict could be the result of how one or both parties are viewing the other person. This is sometimes called a lens. When we look at our spouse through a negative lens, such as, “he never pays attention to me,” we will only see things that support that position. It will be difficult to see anything else. Once we recognize that this is the real source of conflict, to avoid it, we must choose to look through a different lens. In this case, it could be changing the thought to, “he sometimes doesn’t pay attention to me, but every now and then he does.” This subtle change can avoid future conflicts.

If you are married or engaged, and would like to explore this subject further, join me and my wife, Julaine, for the 6-week Arm in Arm Marriage Group starting September 24. It is one of the topics we will cover. Click here for more information and to register.